It’s been
nine years since my mother died. Nine
years. That’s a lot of time to think
about things- good things, bad things, confusing things… all the things that
comprise the complex and often contentious mother-daughter relationship. My mother was not an easy person. Often depressed, never diagnosed, she lived
life as a matrix of emotions, unrealized dreams, and
frustration. It’s Mother’s Day weekend
and I am, of course, thinking of her. It’s
also Kentucky Derby day. Two of my
mother’s loves included animals and art. She had a passion for all things horse and an
undeniable aptitude for capturing the magnificence of these animals with pencil and
paper. Her attention to detail rivaled great
artists. As a child I would pour over
her sketch books- books hidden away in cabinets, cedar chests, backs of closets…
all the places curious little people go when out of the watchful eyes of their
parents. Her work was amazing- seemingly endless pages
of anatomy- forearm to wrist, wrist to coronet band, band to hoof. Hoof and fetlock, eye and cheek, eye and cheek
and muzzle… parts painstakingly sketched over and over and over. Turn
enough pages and finally your eyes would meet a fully-formed figure of grace, speed, and beauty. Her fundamental understanding of the
underlying anatomy allowed her drawings to authentically represent the horse. I
desperately wanted to sketch like she sketched.
I asked her to teach me. I
received an instruction book, a paper pad, pencils, and a Grumbacher kneaded
rubber eraser. My attempts to mimic the guide book resulted in sheer frustration. I was so mad at her. I wanted her to sit down with me and show me,
teach me, help me. But no. Yet driving to my guitar lesson today it
finally made sense. Anyone can supply
you the tools, but you have to supply the effort. No one can do it for you… you have to learn
it and make it your own. You have to practice and discover, hone and refine. Wanting is not enough. You have to do… and it’s really all up to
you. She gave me
everything I needed; I just didn’t realize it until now.
